Friday, May 16, 2014

Not Sean

Yesterday, he stood beside me at the food bank.  I was happy to see he's still around; I'm sorry his circumstances are such that has to get help from the food bank.

I think I've written about him before.  To me he is Not Sean.  Someone on the bus told me his name and it sounded like "Sean."  One day at the Chinese restaurant, I introduced him to Jack as Sean.  He later corrected me.  His voice is so quiet and his accent is one I don't recognize, I don't know what he said his name was.  More than one syllable was involved, yet it sounded like "Sean."

The first I noticed him was a few years ago.  He was going to Harrisburg Area Community College and almost consistently got to the bus stop just in time.  He was astoundingly pretty.  I think he would be hard for anyone not to notice.  Yet so shy.

Spring, 2013, he was jubilant about being accepted at the college of his choice.  He showed me the letter; that surprised me.  This past January or February, he came into a bus shelter.  I asked if his college was having a long break or if he was on independent study.  He said, "College didn't quite turn out the way I wanted."  And it was clear I was not to pursue the subject.  I later gave him my email eddress and told him to get in touch if he ever wanted to talk.

Not Sean is maybe 20.  Not to put too fine a point on it, but he really is one of the most beautiful young guys I've ever seen.  "Twink" tends to be a pejorative term implying the young man is a himbo.  Not Sean is no himbo, although his appearance might give one that impression.

I would hope that his parents didn't banish him because he's gay.  They'd have had to know that by the time he went to HACC.  Maybe he left them.  I wish he'd trust me enough to talk.  Of course, he's maybe 20 and knows about and uses the food bank, so maybe he's getting help -- seeing a therapist or case manager.  I care about they boy.  I wish I knew how to get him to talk and understand that I'm concerned about him.  He may well be suspicious of me.  Perhaps he has reason to be wary about gay old farts.

Yesterday, he made no effort to let me know he was standing beside me.  Was he embarrassed to be seen at the food bank?  Why did he think I was there?  I suspect he was truly hoping I wouldn't see him, and that if I did, I would ignore him.  How could I ignore Not Sean?  I hope he comes to understand that if I see him I will say "hello" to him because I'm glad to see him.  He needs to know that people might like him.

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